Quick, to the slutcave!
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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