I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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