i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Please don't give away my fajitas
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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