Your face is a jimmy john
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
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i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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