why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
