I wish my penis had an off switch
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
