There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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