weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
