If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
