i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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