I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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