Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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