I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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