If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Come on in and take your pants off
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