She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
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It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
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Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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