I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
