I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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