I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
that's an acceptable place to lick
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
