IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
