pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
