I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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