I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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