Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Randomize
