Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
