I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
he puts the penis in happiness.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
