Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
