Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
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I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
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Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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