You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
