On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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