Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You made out with two different species that night
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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