It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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