It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
