i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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