I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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