This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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