So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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