They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
