I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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