he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
