I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
