When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
