Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
