so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
