i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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