I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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