I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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