All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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