he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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