remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
