I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
