I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
