I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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