I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
