She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
