I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
COCAINE IS GR8
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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