I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight