I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong