do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day