I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
