I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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