just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
