dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
