I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
