It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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