i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
